What happened to Sissy???

Looking back over the last two months I have been asking myself the same thing. I was out running around doing my usual everyday stuff and then my world came crashing down around me.  I’m still a believer in no one can make you do anything unless maybe you had a gun held to your head.  But I fell right into this one all on my I own.  I found myself at the bottom of a black hole with just a hint of light above. What could have possibly made my world spiral out of control? What could bring a strong self-willed individual to the bottom? My mind had been taken over by something from afar and would not release it for anything.  No matter how hard I tried I was caught up in a cycle that was whirling me from day to day, one day being consoled by one friend and the next another. My friends and family were also in shock and disbelief just as I was.  My twenty three year marriage had come to a grinding halt and I had neither control nor the ability to do anything about it.  A third person had entered our life and pushed me off the grid, off into my own little world.  Shock hurt, anger, scorn, crushed ego, my pride was held up somewhere. My life as I knew it no longer belonged to me.  I was ready to pack everything I owned and just disappear.  There was no longer anything of value to me existing in the home so I didn't feel compelled to stay.  Then my son walked through the door with the most hurt look on his face and I knew I had to stay just for him. 

I went into a tail spin of collecting and putting together everything I needed to go see a lawyer and mustered up what little composure I had and found one.  This was the simple part. Put everything together, put out everything that belonged to him get the house ready to move out at movements notice.  I was running around like there was going to be no tomorrow.  Everything had to be done that day…  Well it didn't I waited, they served and then I waited…then I lost my control over my own life.  I fell into that black hole and thought I would never come out.  My friends and family swooped in and did the best they could but my body was taking the toll for my anxieties.  Visit after visit to both the doctors and the ER s brought me nothing but relief for a day.  Finally someone took charge and discovered that my body was in a world of hurts and needed to be fixed.  So after several stays in the hospital I came home a slight of a person that I was before.  I brought home my anxieties and needed to get them fixed also…so back to the drawing board I went. 

I’m sure it was the constant crying and finger twisting that someone finally saw that I couldn't do it on my own and threw me a life preserver.  One long week I spent talking to counselors, therapists, nurses, shrinks as I tried to pull myself together.  I was fighting a battle against myself and the other party could have cared less.  I was in it on my own.  It would have to be me that put my foot down and say stop.  I was looking for that person or med to drag me out of the mess, but no it had to be me.  I had to face my demons alone and face them I did.  I was still fighting mad, I wanted revenge; I wanted them to feel the hurt and pain that I had gone through while they sat back and laughed about their hidden secret and how soon they would have a life together.

Two months later I sit here healing on the inside, nursing a wounded pride but alive
and kicking and ready to start something new.  I must have all my strength back to stand up to what is to come so I’m taking it a little bit slower. I look back at the journals I wrote while trying to fix myself and I saw the hurt and pain in my words come up off the pages. Now I look forward to the healing and it feels much better.  

My other half only worries about keeping his secret and what he is going to lose to me.  I do believe down the road he will have to think a little more.  He has laid waste to two marriages, and three children just because he wanted to be happy, feel appreciated, and find someone that could understand his situation that his first wives couldn't.  It was so simple that he couldn't see it himself.  He couldn't come to grips with himself that he was a liar and a cheat with no care to who he hurt.  He had done this so many times within his two marriages he had been able to justify it to himself.  He was able to live with what he had done as long as he never got caught.  Once caught it was a terrible issue that he had and only he could ever fix.   It was a sad issue because it had destroyed two families and many people's trust in him.  Yet the one thing in common with everyone was that this man was at the center of all the devastation.  And yet thirty two years later he was at it again.  I truly feel sorry for him because he will never see what he has done because he sees no reason to look himself in the mirror and point the finger of blame.  It was always someone else not understanding his problem that they didn't know he had. By no means will I ever say that he was a 100% to blame for the demise of the marriage it was just how he went about ending it is where I lay the blame.

Along with countless friends, a Chaplin, a Deacon, some awesome nurses,  a great therapist, and a sister that wouldn't give up on me I’m slowly climbing out of my black hole and seeing there is a whole new world out there waiting for me to get fixed and join it. 

I think I found Sissy!!!!