"The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. 

She dropped a fake smile and whispered to herself,

 I can't do this anymore..."

(shesjustdepressed.tumblir.com)

and her friend said 

"yes you can"

 and she offered her a spot on her soft leather sofa.  

Your home was my port in the storm that left me feeling safe and comforted when I was at my lowest!!! For all the times you listened to me cry, drove me back and forth to the ER and doctor's office... and were just there when I needed you... 

Debbie,

 thank you.....

What happened to Sissy???

Looking back over the last two months I have been asking myself the same thing. I was out running around doing my usual everyday stuff and then my world came crashing down around me.  I’m still a believer in no one can make you do anything unless maybe you had a gun held to your head.  But I fell right into this one all on my I own.  I found myself at the bottom of a black hole with just a hint of light above. What could have possibly made my world spiral out of control? What could bring a strong self-willed individual to the bottom? My mind had been taken over by something from afar and would not release it for anything.  No matter how hard I tried I was caught up in a cycle that was whirling me from day to day, one day being consoled by one friend and the next another. My friends and family were also in shock and disbelief just as I was.  My twenty three year marriage had come to a grinding halt and I had neither control nor the ability to do anything about it.  A third person had entered our life and pushed me off the grid, off into my own little world.  Shock hurt, anger, scorn, crushed ego, my pride was held up somewhere. My life as I knew it no longer belonged to me.  I was ready to pack everything I owned and just disappear.  There was no longer anything of value to me existing in the home so I didn't feel compelled to stay.  Then my son walked through the door with the most hurt look on his face and I knew I had to stay just for him. 

I went into a tail spin of collecting and putting together everything I needed to go see a lawyer and mustered up what little composure I had and found one.  This was the simple part. Put everything together, put out everything that belonged to him get the house ready to move out at movements notice.  I was running around like there was going to be no tomorrow.  Everything had to be done that day…  Well it didn't I waited, they served and then I waited…then I lost my control over my own life.  I fell into that black hole and thought I would never come out.  My friends and family swooped in and did the best they could but my body was taking the toll for my anxieties.  Visit after visit to both the doctors and the ER s brought me nothing but relief for a day.  Finally someone took charge and discovered that my body was in a world of hurts and needed to be fixed.  So after several stays in the hospital I came home a slight of a person that I was before.  I brought home my anxieties and needed to get them fixed also…so back to the drawing board I went. 

I’m sure it was the constant crying and finger twisting that someone finally saw that I couldn't do it on my own and threw me a life preserver.  One long week I spent talking to counselors, therapists, nurses, shrinks as I tried to pull myself together.  I was fighting a battle against myself and the other party could have cared less.  I was in it on my own.  It would have to be me that put my foot down and say stop.  I was looking for that person or med to drag me out of the mess, but no it had to be me.  I had to face my demons alone and face them I did.  I was still fighting mad, I wanted revenge; I wanted them to feel the hurt and pain that I had gone through while they sat back and laughed about their hidden secret and how soon they would have a life together.

Two months later I sit here healing on the inside, nursing a wounded pride but alive
and kicking and ready to start something new.  I must have all my strength back to stand up to what is to come so I’m taking it a little bit slower. I look back at the journals I wrote while trying to fix myself and I saw the hurt and pain in my words come up off the pages. Now I look forward to the healing and it feels much better.  

My other half only worries about keeping his secret and what he is going to lose to me.  I do believe down the road he will have to think a little more.  He has laid waste to two marriages, and three children just because he wanted to be happy, feel appreciated, and find someone that could understand his situation that his first wives couldn't.  It was so simple that he couldn't see it himself.  He couldn't come to grips with himself that he was a liar and a cheat with no care to who he hurt.  He had done this so many times within his two marriages he had been able to justify it to himself.  He was able to live with what he had done as long as he never got caught.  Once caught it was a terrible issue that he had and only he could ever fix.   It was a sad issue because it had destroyed two families and many people's trust in him.  Yet the one thing in common with everyone was that this man was at the center of all the devastation.  And yet thirty two years later he was at it again.  I truly feel sorry for him because he will never see what he has done because he sees no reason to look himself in the mirror and point the finger of blame.  It was always someone else not understanding his problem that they didn't know he had. By no means will I ever say that he was a 100% to blame for the demise of the marriage it was just how he went about ending it is where I lay the blame.

Along with countless friends, a Chaplin, a Deacon, some awesome nurses,  a great therapist, and a sister that wouldn't give up on me I’m slowly climbing out of my black hole and seeing there is a whole new world out there waiting for me to get fixed and join it. 

I think I found Sissy!!!!

Inner Peace!!

We all want to obtain some form of inner peace, whether it's with the neighbors, the kids, friends, or the soon to be ex.... How do we go about doing that is something that I have asked myself often. Or at least I've been asking all my friends how to be at peace with ones-self.  My sister just happened to send me a little quote this morning that made me think a little harder about this whole inner peace thing!!

Inner Peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Facebook.com/Love Quotes Sayings

 So just how do you do that?  People and events do not actually control our emotions...we allow them to control our emotions.  Through either fear, intimidation, low self esteem, lack of confidence just to name a few.  Without even thinking we often give this power to others to hold over us.  

Once I sprouted out to my soon to be ex that he had hurt my feelings.  Well the comment I got back was the last thing I expected: "I didn't hurt your feeling, I can't make you do anything...you did it to yourself."  Now that was an eye opener for me.  He was so right.  He may have said the words, but it was me that had initiated the hurt feelings because what he said mattered to me.  Wow...never again would I fall for that one. So how does one stop feeling the hurt or pain from words spoken by another...sometimes to inflict hurt and pain?  We learn to look at them as just what they are "words". 

 Do you remember the old "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"???? Yes that is it...that is just it they are words.  Often slung to inflict hurt and pain or to cover up what one has done. When you take them apart they just become letters.  Now last time I looked getting hit with a letter did not inflict any serious damage.  So if we let letters, or words control our emotions we will be denied that inner peace. We can look at them, dissect them and then decide if they are worth our time to even listen to them. Look at how they are delivered, how they are presented, how they were meant.  If any part of them came to you in a hurtful, disrespectful or angry manner...then we discard them and put them where they belong...in the trash.  We have a choice to listen to what people  say, we also have a choice to absorb what they say. If it brings harm to our emotion then we must put it aside.  No, we are not running away from these words we are choosing to not listen to them. 

As I have tried to teach my son, if you are a good Christian then you will talk, and act toward another Christian in a manner in which you would like to be talked to or be treated by them in return.   ..so if you are acting like a good Christian

then these words must not be meant for you.  So discard them,  delete them, pass them on to the recycle bin because they cannot control you from there.

Remember, we are the ones that control our inner peace, we are the ones that choose to not let another person or event control our emotions.  I think this is a must try....

What does my future have in store for me? Part 3

3. Reconnect with my soul.

The third part is the hardest part because it continues on, there is no one answer to this one

 This, I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish - so off to the Urban dictionary for some help

The existence of the soul is heavily debated in the first place, and its definition varies greatly from party to party, though everyone believes that everyone else’s definitions are wrong.  It is generally agreed to be something possessed by every person, and that’s about all.  Therefore, the soul may or may not be any of the following:

1.The human mind, that is, that thinking thing lodged behind your eyes;

2. The essence of humanity;

3.The essence of that which makes a person good and decent;

4.The quality of sentience or human intelligence;

5.All of someone’s personality or what makes them unique;

6.Some mystical version of a person that lives on after the body dies;

7.A spiritual concept, created by god (or the gods if you prefer) or a part of him

8.The quality of being alive;

9.Anything else you can think of along these lines

That is a lot of information for one person to absorb and try and reflect upon.  I feel as a whole that I'm a good person.  Yes I have faults but, don't we all.  I have been led to believe that all the faults of a failing marriage were laid at my door for lack of understanding, lack of appreciation and a lack of communication.  I had always thought that a marriage was for two people to grow and nurture and be one.  I did not realize that my marriage needed several extra people to make it work.  

My soul is my own, it is a good kind and decent soul.  It is what makes me Sissy, one that would lend a hand or ear if needed, one that cries for a wrong and laughs at something funny.  My soul needs work because right now it seems to be lost.  It knows no direction and has no home in any port.  It longs for being comforted, consoled and to have routine brought back to it again.  Some may say God has forsaken me but I believe he has left it up to me to find my path...and then I will be home.  

  

This reflects how my life has been moved in many directions by many forces beyond my control. There are friends and family that will stay forever, but there are also those that have placed themselves into my life not as a friend or family member but as one wanting something that I had near and dear to me and now it is time for them to depart.

As they depart they must take with them what they have so coveted and learn to live beyond my now peaceful existence in a life dressed in lies which will bring doubt to their new found freedom.  Once a liar and a cheater...always a liar and a cheater. I am a believer in Karma - the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

Does this show a bit of a dark soul, I think maybe just a bit of a wounded soul!!!

A local rescue that has done wonders for a lot of lost and abandoned animals in and around Champaign County Ohio.  This group works with both local and surrounding dog shelters and the Dog Warden to help put these animals in well deserved homes.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Barely-Used-Pets-Rescue/565704933462573

They do awesome work and are always in need of help and donations.  So if you have some to spare take the time to call or drop in and help out:

Barely Used Pets

2790 E. Hwy 36

Urbana, Ohio 43078

937-869-8090

barelyusedpets@yahoo.com

Digital Stamps and Copic Pens

I  have some wonderful digi stamps that  I have been coloring over the last year, I have just never made it around to putting them on a card.  Most of these have been colored with Copic Sketch Markers.  Sometime when it hits me I will sit down and put them all together.

Mo's Digital Pencil

Saturated Canary Digi Stamp

Mo's Digital Pencil

Mo's Digital Pencil

Mo's Digital Pencil

What does my future have in store for me? Part 2

2. Revive my independence.  I will not be influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion or conduct. I will not be subject to another's authority or jurisdiction.  I will not be influenced by the thought or action of another.  After 23 years it is time that I stand on my own with the help of my family and friends.

 Sometime you have to top worrying, wondering, and doubting, 

have faith that things will work out. 

May be not how you planned, but just how they’re meant to be.
(Classic Quotes III)

Cats!!!!

Saving the world one cat at a time....  For over five years I rescued, fixed and adopted out kittens and cats. I thought that I was doing the right thing saving all these lost and forgotten cats but instead I was driving my family crazy.  I lived in a house with six cats but now there is only one. These cats longed for playing outside with the sun on their fur and the smell of a mouse at then end of their journey... today that is exactly what they are getting to do.  I was fortunate enough to have a friend that came to my rescue. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I now think twice before I comment on families that give up an animal.  It is not easy to do but there are times when there are no other choices.

What does my future have in store for me? Written in three parts!!!

Every time we get up in the morning we may wonder what does the day have in store us.  As I move through my new life I wonder will it be a kind day or another gut twister that leaves me wondering why I got up in the first place.  Today was a little of both! 

As I move forward into my new life there are three things that will be critical in how I change myself. Millions of people go through life changing events...now how to handle them is a whole other story.  So I am setting forth in trying to put my life back in order.

1. Reclaim my identity, well I have always been Mom, Sean's mom,  Sissy Faulkner, Dave's wife, Mrs Faulkner, so I had to think long and hard on this one.  I still want to be mom, and Sean's mom, but I no longer wanted to be the others, and I was being given no choice as I was no longer wanted as the latter two. I need to reconnect with who I was before I got married and merge it with who I was to become after my marriage was over.  How was my life going to be...simple, carefree and full of challenges.  

Now at 55, one can still enjoy the carefree and simple life, but I sure was intrigued by the challenges that await me.  Just thinking about trying to reclaim my identify at 55 seams scary as can be.  It sure seems a lot easier to stay hidden behind the Mrs. or the mom, but now I feel a little like sticking a foot out and exploring. 

Come back tomorrow to see my second step!

There are friends and then there are friends!

My borrowed quote of the day!!! 

Trust takes years to build, 

seconds to break and forever to repair. 

(quotediary.me)

This is where all my wonderful friends have come in....  I have been very fortunate in the friend department.  In times of trouble I have been able to bend and ear, drag them around after me and show up on their doorstep or their text at all hours of the day.

What do you do with an old sink??? Lets see...this was so much fun!

Change!!!! Can I handle change???

I'm experimenting with some new looks...probably will change frequently till I get the look I want.  Here are some of my Zentangles that I have posted on Pinterest.  Enjoy!!!

This is an art that I have fallen in love with...  I have used a combination of templates and  freehand work.  Just so much fun!!! So now every time I get a zinger thrown at me I pick up my pen and design a new Zentangle.   Check out some of my other stuff: http://www.pinterest.com/sis834/my-coloring-doodles/.

Back on track

Here I sit the day before Thanksgiving, thinking about what I'm thankful for: my son, my near and dear friends and family and last but not least my new found confidence in myself.  I will be going through some life altering changes in the New Year that approaches us. But I feel safe that I have support from both friends and family to carry my son and I through whatever comes our way.

While I was wondering through Pinterest I discovered one of my Zentangle Mod Flowers with 517 pins! How exciting is that!!! I will be adding more of my Zentangles and other pieces of art that I have been working on.  

Happy Thanksgiving to all. 

Another Garden View

Where does our time go???

With summer winding down I still have not finished what I set out to do...make cards.  I have a sum total of 5 cards made and tons of digi stamps colored, BUT I do have a beautiful garden. 

My wonderful potting bench.

I have been putting the finishing touches on the master piece.